A Roll of the Dice

The weather has broken here in Washington, DC and the city seems to be coming alive again. Dogs in the parks and people on the streets; the beating heart of this town is slowly regaining it's rhythm is the burgeoning warmth of springs arrival. The air is fresh and new, like the whole world has just been born again.

I stepped out of my apartment into the early morning air. It's still dark outside. Across the street in the elementary school's playground boys huddle in the shadows of the street lamps around a patch of asphalt. I can hear the soft clink and thud of the ivory dice against the black concrete sea. One steps away for a pee, and in the clear spring air I can smell the rankness mingling with my cigarette smoke and the sent of thought.

In my own life, the dice has been rolling against the black concrete sea of fate for the last month almost. Rolling. Rolling. Rolling. And I've been reduced to an inactive participant in the this gamble, a mere observer powerless in my own fate.

As this week comes to a close I know that I have but a few days left before the dice finally stops. In my case, the dice has only two sides: yes and no. Yes I get to stay in my home, keep the life I've built and continue on a path that I find satisfaction in. Or, no and have the floor pulled out from under me and 15 days to box my life up here only to return to a life that I boxed up four years ago. I am so jittery that some days I can only lay in bed, and others I sit with legs shaking, feet pacing ...the uncertainty moves my subconscious to move me some way, anyway.

I've barely left my apartment all week. An hour maybe is the longest I've been away. I forgot today was Wednesday. I just new today was the day after yesterday and the day before that I said I would cook two days from now, and that's how I knew today was the day I would cook. It just happened to Wednesday. It's funny how the calendar means nothing when you can't see the days go by. When we are faced with such a life changing decision, a life altering situation, we can often forget that there is a life that we should be living.

Everyday we decided to move forward, go out, everyday we decided to live we roll the dice. Life is truly a gamble, real living at least. There are fears that accompany chance...fear that that next step we take will move us into something painful..fear that if we continue to hold onto hope, onto love, onto life we will be deciding to hold onto nothing. But what is the alternative?

There is so much out there waiting for us. I am scared, so scared. But, I'm not the only one. And, being scared isn't the issue...fear is healthy, normal, human. But, when we let that fear debilitate us, break us down, kill us then all we have is our fear and nothing else. If you find that person, that thing, that hope that makes you happy hold on to it, fight for it, and don't let it go. Please. Because goal in life should be to insure our own happiness and the happiness of those around us, without hurting those around us. And, because life and people alike won't wait around forever. James Baldwin reminded us that if we don't live the life have we won't have another one to live.

Take a chance. Roll the dice. Live! Because...



"Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving!"- Aunt Mame

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Song du jour- "One at Time"- Shirley Horn